Subject: Jokes

SANTA CLAUS:
1. he wears red
2. is good at breaking into houses
3. has loads of electrical goods nobody can trace
4. drives an unlicenced vehicle
5. only works 1 day a year

.....

lapland my arse, he is from liverpool!
(edited)

i find that offensive :(

not really i like it :)

lol!

:)
true too :)

you just have bad luck Santa isnt wearing Blue ;)

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster
and ten hens

he kept them in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass,
he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.




He knew about cock fights in the village,
so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'





All the men stood up.



'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'




All the women stood up.






'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'




Half the women stood up.


'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen
MY
cock?'





Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

Amen.



(edited)

Brilliant =)

the local shop didn't have any milk again, no delivery due 2 the snow.
Luckily there's a pile of it outside my elderly neighbor Doreen's house

lol

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.


"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They’re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.


The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "They’re Carols".

xD

A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water."
"Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."
The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water.
"I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.
The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I'll die."
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.
His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
"I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it's a trifle bazaar."

no just no

:)))

There was a party in heaven, a pretty damn good one - everyone wanted to be a part of it and only a couple of guys were invited by St. Peter. There was a list of those invited etc.

Picasso approaches St. Peter:
-Hi Pete, I'm Picasso and I was invited.
-Ok Pablo, but you have to prove that you're Picasso.
So Picasso has drawn a couple of state of the art surrealistic paintings
-Ok, you're Picasso - you can enter.

Then Einstein approaches St. Peter:
-Helo St. Peter, I'm Albert Einstein and I should be on the list.
-Yes, you are - but you have to prove that it's you. People try many tricks to get in, you know.

So Einstein took out his pen, his notebook and started doing some serious physics stuff.
-Ok, you're Albert Einstein alright. Have a good party!

A couple of guys had the same proving thing as Picasso and Einstein.

Then George W. Bush came to St. Peter:
-Hi Petey, what's up, how u doing man? My name is George W. Bush, the best president USA ever had!
-Hi George, I will let you in but first you have to prove that you're really who you say you are, just like Picasso, Lincoln, Paris Hilton, Einstein and the rest did.
-Paris Hilton and who?????
-Come on in George, have a good party!

aha nice