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Subject: Jokes
that is old. In Germany we have it since maybe 3 years or so
But the thing is that here we have many different possible warmings in the cigarrete box. You can find the "smoke makes u impotent", the "smoke may kill u", "smoke produces cancer" and a lot more... so the guy asks for another one that doesnt produce impotence :p
WOW, huuuuge message!!!! Is that true, i mean about having a huge warning, not the massege in it, or it´s joke?
No, no, it's true, and that huge message says the thinks I explained in my last post.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would
have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
care in the first place.
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would
have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
care in the first place.
Oki i have one too:D
Small guy is sitting in the bar and is crying. While he is crying a big mean guy steps up to him and empties the small guys drink glass. Then he laughs and asks why are you crying?
Small guy answers i have had the worst day of my life- when i woke up this morning and wanted to drive to work i realized that my car was stolen, on the way to the bus stop a car drove through a mud puddle and messed up my suit, on the way to work a bus broke down and i ended up late at work, so my boss fired me. Then i went home early and saw my wife having sex with a plumber on our marriage bed. And now that i wanted to kill myself some big mean motherfucer comes to me in a bar and drinks up my poison coctail!
(edited)
Small guy is sitting in the bar and is crying. While he is crying a big mean guy steps up to him and empties the small guys drink glass. Then he laughs and asks why are you crying?
Small guy answers i have had the worst day of my life- when i woke up this morning and wanted to drive to work i realized that my car was stolen, on the way to the bus stop a car drove through a mud puddle and messed up my suit, on the way to work a bus broke down and i ended up late at work, so my boss fired me. Then i went home early and saw my wife having sex with a plumber on our marriage bed. And now that i wanted to kill myself some big mean motherfucer comes to me in a bar and drinks up my poison coctail!
(edited)
To: The manager of the Y.M.C.A. Hotel, London
From: Paolo Marco
Subject: What's a sonnawabitch?
Dear Signore Direttore,
Now I tella you di story what I was treated at your otella; I am comma from Roma as a tourist to London and stay as a younga christian man at your otella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit (sheet) in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down di receptione and I tella:
* "I wanta shit."
* "Go to toilet."
* "No, no, I wanta shit in my bed."
* You better not shit in di bed, you sonnawabitch!"
What is a sonnawabitch?
I go down into ristorante. I order bacon ande egga and two pisses (pieces) of toast. I getta only one piss of toast! So I calla di waitress and pointe at di toast:
* "I wanta piss!"
* "Go to toilet!"
* "No, no, I wanta piss on my plate!"
* "You bloody wella not piss on di plate, you sonnawabitch!"
That is second person that not know me calla me sonnawabitch, and why is a staff reply with "Go to toilet!" Is that modern tella? I do not understand this, please tella me.
Later I go for dinner into ristorante. Spoon and a knife on di table, but no fock (fork). So I calla di waitress and I tella:
* "I wanta fock!"
* "Sure, everyone wanta fock!"
* "No, no, I wanta fock on di table!"
* "You wanta fock on di table? You getta your ass out of here, you sonnawabitch!"
How comma this christian otella treate a guest in such a manner? So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this otella no more. When I paid di bill, di receptioniste say:
* "Thank you and piss (peace) on you!"
* "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch, I now go back to Italy!"
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your otella no more, you sonnawabitch!
Sincerely,
Paolo Marco
(edited)
From: Paolo Marco
Subject: What's a sonnawabitch?
Dear Signore Direttore,
Now I tella you di story what I was treated at your otella; I am comma from Roma as a tourist to London and stay as a younga christian man at your otella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit (sheet) in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down di receptione and I tella:
* "I wanta shit."
* "Go to toilet."
* "No, no, I wanta shit in my bed."
* You better not shit in di bed, you sonnawabitch!"
What is a sonnawabitch?
I go down into ristorante. I order bacon ande egga and two pisses (pieces) of toast. I getta only one piss of toast! So I calla di waitress and pointe at di toast:
* "I wanta piss!"
* "Go to toilet!"
* "No, no, I wanta piss on my plate!"
* "You bloody wella not piss on di plate, you sonnawabitch!"
That is second person that not know me calla me sonnawabitch, and why is a staff reply with "Go to toilet!" Is that modern tella? I do not understand this, please tella me.
Later I go for dinner into ristorante. Spoon and a knife on di table, but no fock (fork). So I calla di waitress and I tella:
* "I wanta fock!"
* "Sure, everyone wanta fock!"
* "No, no, I wanta fock on di table!"
* "You wanta fock on di table? You getta your ass out of here, you sonnawabitch!"
How comma this christian otella treate a guest in such a manner? So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this otella no more. When I paid di bill, di receptioniste say:
* "Thank you and piss (peace) on you!"
* "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch, I now go back to Italy!"
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your otella no more, you sonnawabitch!
Sincerely,
Paolo Marco
(edited)
Thanks to marep (foorumi bänn) from Eesti there's also a mp3 version of similar joke :]
Here you have a better tapescript:
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
(edited)
(edited)
Here you have a better tapescript:
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
(edited)
(edited)
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."
