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Subject: Jokes
I spent $3500 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.
I spent another $2700 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.
I spent $2200 on liposuction for her.
She was over the moon.
I spent $50 on a blow job for myself.
She goes fucking insane.
Women !!!!!
Hahaha no no she laughed =p
Probably because she knows it's hypocritcal and yet women do it =p
Probably because she knows it's hypocritcal and yet women do it =p
What do you call a terrorist with multiple limbs?
Ahmed.
Ahmed.
I went to a wedding last night..
the DJ was playing some quality tunes and I was up dancing away… he played the Twist so I twisted, he played ‘Jump’ so I jumped , he played ‘Come on Eileen’ and that's when I got kicked out…
...............................
Earlier, I recieved a chain mail message …
… that said that if I don’t forward it to 500 people within 3 hours of reading it, a little dead girl will appear next to my bed at midnight.
I haven’t sent the message on to anyone. Looks like I’m getting laid tonight.
the DJ was playing some quality tunes and I was up dancing away… he played the Twist so I twisted, he played ‘Jump’ so I jumped , he played ‘Come on Eileen’ and that's when I got kicked out…
...............................
Earlier, I recieved a chain mail message …
… that said that if I don’t forward it to 500 people within 3 hours of reading it, a little dead girl will appear next to my bed at midnight.
I haven’t sent the message on to anyone. Looks like I’m getting laid tonight.
Nice ones, especially the first :-)
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It started."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It started."
hm... a skull bash and "fuck you" are missing.. after some month of marriage she'll learn too.
(edited)
(edited)
sorry I meant bash (the face you posted is what you'll see after you do it)
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where here was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!".
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks." replied the cab driver. He then said, "And how much for you to suck my dick on the way?" "What?! Get the fuck out of my cab, you scum!" the cab driver said angrily. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!".
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks." replied the cab driver. He then said, "And how much for you to suck my dick on the way?" "What?! Get the fuck out of my cab, you scum!" the cab driver said angrily. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Heavenly Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies.
"I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters.
Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters.
I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.
Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies.
"I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters.
Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters.
I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.
Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."