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Subject: Jokes
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
A lawer just got home from work. As he stepped out of his BMW, a speeding car ripped off the door. As the lawyer jumped up and down cussing and swearing, a cop who was driving by stopped. He rolled down the window and said, “What's wrong?”
The lawyer replied, “That idiot, speeding down the street, ripped off my BMW's door!”
The cop said, “You lawyers make me sick. You worry too much about your possesions. If you weren't blinded by greed, you would notice that your arm got ripped off!”
“Oh no!” cried the lawyer, “My Rolex!”
The lawyer replied, “That idiot, speeding down the street, ripped off my BMW's door!”
The cop said, “You lawyers make me sick. You worry too much about your possesions. If you weren't blinded by greed, you would notice that your arm got ripped off!”
“Oh no!” cried the lawyer, “My Rolex!”
I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I am a victim of the latest scam while shopping.
This happened at ASDA and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two good looking 18 year old girls come to your car as you are leaving. While you are placing your bags in the boot or the back seats. One starts wiping your windscreen with a rag while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to another Shop.
You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs a sexual act on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday....
This happened at ASDA and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two good looking 18 year old girls come to your car as you are leaving. While you are placing your bags in the boot or the back seats. One starts wiping your windscreen with a rag while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to another Shop.
You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs a sexual act on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday....
i had found them two and so they're now hostages in my bathroom...
;-)
;-)
A 12-year old daughter comes into the shower, where her father is having a shower. Dad has no time of hiding himself, so he starst explaining: "This", points the finger "is a men´s sexual organ."
The next day the daughter is walking to school and she tells a friend of hers: "You won´t belive what I saw yesterday! The men´s sexual organ!" The second girl is surprised and asks: "Wow, and how does it look like?" And the first girl answers: "Well it looks like a d*ck, but its smaller and it hangs"
:)
The next day the daughter is walking to school and she tells a friend of hers: "You won´t belive what I saw yesterday! The men´s sexual organ!" The second girl is surprised and asks: "Wow, and how does it look like?" And the first girl answers: "Well it looks like a d*ck, but its smaller and it hangs"
:)
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it
means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one
from
a chap in Switzerland....
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows
on a
Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
... Suspicion of anything foreign
means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one
from
a chap in Switzerland....
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows
on a
Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
... Suspicion of anything foreign
And more...
Two blondes walk into a building .. you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message .. 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
I went to a seafood disco last week . and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That's the TomJones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
A guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start!'
Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.'
The other one says, 'So are you, you fat lump!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctor and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect the count to rise as digging continues into the night.
Two blondes walk into a building .. you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message .. 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
I went to a seafood disco last week . and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That's the TomJones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
A guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start!'
Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.'
The other one says, 'So are you, you fat lump!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctor and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect the count to rise as digging continues into the night.
A little boy is waiting for his mum to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mum comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs. Wen he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says: "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there." "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth there." "Yes there are," he says, "my mum told me so." "No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for Christ's sake!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look, then replies: "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised!"
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs. Wen he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says: "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there." "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth there." "Yes there are," he says, "my mum told me so." "No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for Christ's sake!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look, then replies: "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised!"