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Subject: Jokes
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her
mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're
history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun
and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and
begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing
her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for
several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like
that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top
that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her
mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're
history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun
and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and
begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing
her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for
several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like
that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top
that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
A Jew moves into a town of Catholics.
Every Friday, while the Christians were eating only fish,
the Jew makes steak after steak, driving them all crazy with the smell.
Desperate Catholics decide to convert him and after threats
prayers, promises, they convince him ..
They went with great pomp in the Church, where the priest sprinkled him with water 3 times, singing "born Jew, raised as a Jew, now Christian "
Next Friday, while all Catholics keep eating only fish from the house of the Jew converted the big smells of steak were coming.
Crazy, they went to the house of the sinner to see how it is possible.
They found him in front of a large grill, filled with meat where he sprinkled it with
water, singing: "born cow, raised as a cow, now fish ..."
Every Friday, while the Christians were eating only fish,
the Jew makes steak after steak, driving them all crazy with the smell.
Desperate Catholics decide to convert him and after threats
prayers, promises, they convince him ..
They went with great pomp in the Church, where the priest sprinkled him with water 3 times, singing "born Jew, raised as a Jew, now Christian "
Next Friday, while all Catholics keep eating only fish from the house of the Jew converted the big smells of steak were coming.
Crazy, they went to the house of the sinner to see how it is possible.
They found him in front of a large grill, filled with meat where he sprinkled it with
water, singing: "born cow, raised as a cow, now fish ..."
AND THE BEST OF THE BEST:
If things are not going so well, here's the recipe to cool yourself:
For those who occasionally, have a miserable day and would need to cool themselves on someone ... someone unknown ... I sat at the office when I remembered that I had forgotten to call somebody back. I found the number and I called. A man says: - Hello? I say politely: Can I speak with Mrs. Smith, please? He hanged the phone in my nose and he was swearing me. I could not believe that someone could be so rude. I checked the number. I reversed the last two digits ... After talking with Mrs. Smith, I decided to make another call to the wrong number. When the guy answer, I scream: - You're a stupid asshole! and I hang up. I noted the number with the word "asshole" and I let the phone number on my desk. Then, every two to three weeks, when I had a shitty day, I call the guy and I'm yelling: You are just a bad second-hand asshole! That made me feel better. When appeared the possibility to see the numbers that calls you, I thought it might be the end of the treatment to call the asshole. So I called and: - Hello, my name is John D. from X Communications. We call to ask if you know about our new display service? The guy yelled: No! And he hung up and swearing me. I called again quickly, to say: - That's because you're just a stupid asshole! A few weeks later, I went shopping. After several minutes of searching finally I found a free parking space. When I prepared to park there, a guy in a black BMW, cuts my own path and take my place. I push the horn and tell him that I waited long enough to catch that place. He responds with a finger, and went directly to stores. I was furious and getting ready to look for another place to park when I noticed the announcement "for sale" on the rear window of the BMW. I wrote the number ...
A few days later, immediately after I called the first asshole (I put him on speed-dial number and dial *67 before, always, because my number is not displayed), I thought it would be a good idea to call the other asshole, the BMW owner. I dialed the number and someone answered: - Hello? I say: You are the gentleman who has a black BMW for sale? - Exactly! Then ask: - Can you give me the address where I could see the car? - Yes. I live on Broadway 180, a red brick house. The car is always parked in front. I dare: - Your name? - My name is George P. And I continue: - When is the best time to see it, Mr. P? - I am home every afternoon after 17 hours. Add: - George listen, can I say something? - Yes. I say: you're just a stupid asshole! And I hang it on and put him on the speed-dial too. Now, when I have a miserable day, I have two assholes to call. But after I called them both for few months, I wasn't feeling so relieved as at the beginning . At the end of a really devastating day, I had an idea ... That was over 17 o'clock and I call the first asshole. - Hello? You are only an asshole! But this time I do not hang up. - Are you still there? he asked. - Yes! Then he yelled- do not call, otherwise ... I quickly cut him off: - Yes, MF, you fu*king asshole! He yells- Who are you? I answer: - What, do you want to fight each other? My name is George P. - Really? And where do you live? Brave: - Dear asshole, on Broadway 180. I have a beautiful red brick house and a BMW that it would make you cry from envy. - I will be right there, George, and you can see how I make you swallow your teeth. Smiling - I'm not afraid of you, idiot asshole , come on! I immediately called the asshole no 2: - Hello? Hey, asshole! and wait. He starts screaming: - If I ever put my hands on you ... - What will you do? - I break your face! - Yes? Well. It's your lucky day, asshole! I'm coming! I closed and I immediately called the police saying that at the address Broadway no. 180 I'll be fu*king killing my gay lover. I phoned TV informing them that a fight between biker gangs bosses will run on Broadway no. 180. Then I jumped in the car and I went close to that address. And I saw two imbeciles beating each other on life and death, in front of six patrol cars and a police helicopter, and under the nose of the team's evening news TV.
NOW I feel much better ...
If things are not going so well, here's the recipe to cool yourself:
For those who occasionally, have a miserable day and would need to cool themselves on someone ... someone unknown ... I sat at the office when I remembered that I had forgotten to call somebody back. I found the number and I called. A man says: - Hello? I say politely: Can I speak with Mrs. Smith, please? He hanged the phone in my nose and he was swearing me. I could not believe that someone could be so rude. I checked the number. I reversed the last two digits ... After talking with Mrs. Smith, I decided to make another call to the wrong number. When the guy answer, I scream: - You're a stupid asshole! and I hang up. I noted the number with the word "asshole" and I let the phone number on my desk. Then, every two to three weeks, when I had a shitty day, I call the guy and I'm yelling: You are just a bad second-hand asshole! That made me feel better. When appeared the possibility to see the numbers that calls you, I thought it might be the end of the treatment to call the asshole. So I called and: - Hello, my name is John D. from X Communications. We call to ask if you know about our new display service? The guy yelled: No! And he hung up and swearing me. I called again quickly, to say: - That's because you're just a stupid asshole! A few weeks later, I went shopping. After several minutes of searching finally I found a free parking space. When I prepared to park there, a guy in a black BMW, cuts my own path and take my place. I push the horn and tell him that I waited long enough to catch that place. He responds with a finger, and went directly to stores. I was furious and getting ready to look for another place to park when I noticed the announcement "for sale" on the rear window of the BMW. I wrote the number ...
A few days later, immediately after I called the first asshole (I put him on speed-dial number and dial *67 before, always, because my number is not displayed), I thought it would be a good idea to call the other asshole, the BMW owner. I dialed the number and someone answered: - Hello? I say: You are the gentleman who has a black BMW for sale? - Exactly! Then ask: - Can you give me the address where I could see the car? - Yes. I live on Broadway 180, a red brick house. The car is always parked in front. I dare: - Your name? - My name is George P. And I continue: - When is the best time to see it, Mr. P? - I am home every afternoon after 17 hours. Add: - George listen, can I say something? - Yes. I say: you're just a stupid asshole! And I hang it on and put him on the speed-dial too. Now, when I have a miserable day, I have two assholes to call. But after I called them both for few months, I wasn't feeling so relieved as at the beginning . At the end of a really devastating day, I had an idea ... That was over 17 o'clock and I call the first asshole. - Hello? You are only an asshole! But this time I do not hang up. - Are you still there? he asked. - Yes! Then he yelled- do not call, otherwise ... I quickly cut him off: - Yes, MF, you fu*king asshole! He yells- Who are you? I answer: - What, do you want to fight each other? My name is George P. - Really? And where do you live? Brave: - Dear asshole, on Broadway 180. I have a beautiful red brick house and a BMW that it would make you cry from envy. - I will be right there, George, and you can see how I make you swallow your teeth. Smiling - I'm not afraid of you, idiot asshole , come on! I immediately called the asshole no 2: - Hello? Hey, asshole! and wait. He starts screaming: - If I ever put my hands on you ... - What will you do? - I break your face! - Yes? Well. It's your lucky day, asshole! I'm coming! I closed and I immediately called the police saying that at the address Broadway no. 180 I'll be fu*king killing my gay lover. I phoned TV informing them that a fight between biker gangs bosses will run on Broadway no. 180. Then I jumped in the car and I went close to that address. And I saw two imbeciles beating each other on life and death, in front of six patrol cars and a police helicopter, and under the nose of the team's evening news TV.
NOW I feel much better ...
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert ..
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess
tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges',
so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess
tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges',
so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
A student tells the teacher:
-My father taught me that in life is better to give than to receive.
Class teacher: - Yes, that's true, you got a beautiful education. But what is your father's name?
- Lucian Bute!
-My father taught me that in life is better to give than to receive.
Class teacher: - Yes, that's true, you got a beautiful education. But what is your father's name?
- Lucian Bute!
Lucian Bute is a boxing champion.
He obviously likes to give more (punches) than he likes to take.
(edited)
He obviously likes to give more (punches) than he likes to take.
(edited)
You could said Tyson or Klichko ;)
I dk many boxers :)
I dk many boxers :)
He's up and coming but holding one of the minor belts at the moment. He wasn't even well known enough to compete in the super 6 middleweight tournament.