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Subject: Jokes
Two Italian men get on a New York bus and take a seat behind a middle aged lady.
An animated conversation takes place between the two Italians.
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses, dey come together.
Den I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I comea once more."
The lady looked around and angrily said, "You filthy, foul mouthed swine! In this country, we don't talk about our sex life in public!"
"You coola down, lady", said the Italian. "I'ma justa tell my friend how to spella Mississippi."
An animated conversation takes place between the two Italians.
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses, dey come together.
Den I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I comea once more."
The lady looked around and angrily said, "You filthy, foul mouthed swine! In this country, we don't talk about our sex life in public!"
"You coola down, lady", said the Italian. "I'ma justa tell my friend how to spella Mississippi."
Chicken Goes Into the Library.
Hops up to the librarian.
"Bok."
What?
"Bok."
You want a book?
"Bok."
Librarian gives chicken a book. Next day, chicken is back.
"Bok bok."
You want TWO books?
"Bok bok."
Librarian gives chicken TWO books. And the next day chicken is back.
"Bok bok bok."
Librarian gives chicken THREE books, and is now curious.
She follows the chicken out the door, tracks it into the woods,
and watches it approach a pond.
Chicken looks at a frog on the edge of the pond
and drops the three books in front of him. Frog says...
*reddit*
*reddit*
*reddit*
Hops up to the librarian.
"Bok."
What?
"Bok."
You want a book?
"Bok."
Librarian gives chicken a book. Next day, chicken is back.
"Bok bok."
You want TWO books?
"Bok bok."
Librarian gives chicken TWO books. And the next day chicken is back.
"Bok bok bok."
Librarian gives chicken THREE books, and is now curious.
She follows the chicken out the door, tracks it into the woods,
and watches it approach a pond.
Chicken looks at a frog on the edge of the pond
and drops the three books in front of him. Frog says...
*reddit*
*reddit*
*reddit*
A black guy is hitchiking and finally gets a ride. After a while he notices a shotgun on the backseat and starts to ask about it: "That's a nice gun. What do you shoot with it?" The driver replies: "Cans." The black guy asks: "Cans? What do you mean?" The driver responds: "You know, cans. Beer cans, Pepsi cans, africans, mexicans."
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of
the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought
he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the
new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of
the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me
the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get
on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls,
too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.
And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the
Middle East?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of
the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought
he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the
new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of
the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me
the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get
on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls,
too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.
And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the
Middle East?
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in
charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of
supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I
expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes
away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is
untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and
says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman
replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left
th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him
either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off towards the pile
of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps
out from behind the pile of sand and yells: "SUPPLIES!!"
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in
charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of
supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I
expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes
away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is
untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and
says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman
replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left
th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him
either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off towards the pile
of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps
out from behind the pile of sand and yells: "SUPPLIES!!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship.The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it... the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days...
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it... the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days...
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother,
"Mom am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are." His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
"Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents.
Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
"Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fu**ing freezing!!!"
"Mom am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are." His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
"Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents.
Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
"Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fu**ing freezing!!!"
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which
was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which
was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
> > The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to
> putta
> > five people ina Quattro."
> > "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
> > "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
> > "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
> > disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5
> > persons."
> > "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.
> > "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are
> therefore
> > breakin'a the law".
> > The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. We
> want
> > to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
> > "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come". "He's a busy
> with
> > two guys ina Fiat Uno".
> > The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to
> putta
> > five people ina Quattro."
> > "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
> > "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
> > "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
> > disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5
> > persons."
> > "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.
> > "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are
> therefore
> > breakin'a the law".
> > The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. We
> want
> > to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
> > "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come". "He's a busy
> with
> > two guys ina Fiat Uno".
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
Why i sacked my secretary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", And possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat
despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning, boss,
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me?" I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go!" We went to lunch. However, we didn't go where we normally would go. We
dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis
each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right
back."
"Okay." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all
singing "Happy Birthday!"
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", And possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat
despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning, boss,
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me?" I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go!" We went to lunch. However, we didn't go where we normally would go. We
dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis
each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right
back."
"Okay." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all
singing "Happy Birthday!"
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing.
The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing.
The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"