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Subject: Jokes
A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing.
The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing.
The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband
who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be
until your attitude changes!"
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband
who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be
until your attitude changes!"
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I
call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went
to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she
looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I
was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong
boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would
like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the
wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life
and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to
hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I
told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day
we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from
the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When
we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for
me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in
the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking
around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He
said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I
said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex
left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4
o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case
comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day
when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best
friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live
any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
(edited)
call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went
to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she
looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I
was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong
boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would
like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the
wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life
and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to
hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I
told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day
we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from
the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When
we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for
me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in
the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking
around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He
said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I
said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex
left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4
o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case
comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day
when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best
friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live
any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
(edited)
For those of you who were less fortunate to visit an asian country or had the unpleasant experience of talking to a phillipino room service, you will find this very familiar.
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
>>
>>Room Service (RS): "Morrin.? Roon sirbees."
>>Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
>>RS: "Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin!? Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
>>G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
>>RS: "Ow July den?"
>>G: "What??"
>>RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
>>G : "Oh, the eggs!? How do I likethem? Sorry, scrambled please."
>>RS: "Ow July dee baykem?? Crease?"
>>G: "Crisp will be fine."
>>RS : "Hokay.? An Sahn toes?"
>>G: "What?"
>>RS:"An toes.? July Sahn toes?"
>>G: "I don't think so."
>>RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
>>G: "I feel really bad about this, but I
don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
>>RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes?? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
>>G: "English muffin!!? I've got it!? You were saying 'Toast.'? Fine.
>>Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
>>RS: "We bodder?"
>>G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
>>RS: "Wad?"
>>G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
>>RS: "Copy?"
>>G: "Excuse me?"
>>RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
>>G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
>>RS: "One Minnie.? Scramah egg, crease baykem,Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
>>G: "Whatever you say."
>>RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
>>G : "You're very welcome."
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
>>
>>Room Service (RS): "Morrin.? Roon sirbees."
>>Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
>>RS: "Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin!? Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
>>G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
>>RS: "Ow July den?"
>>G: "What??"
>>RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
>>G : "Oh, the eggs!? How do I likethem? Sorry, scrambled please."
>>RS: "Ow July dee baykem?? Crease?"
>>G: "Crisp will be fine."
>>RS : "Hokay.? An Sahn toes?"
>>G: "What?"
>>RS:"An toes.? July Sahn toes?"
>>G: "I don't think so."
>>RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
>>G: "I feel really bad about this, but I
don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
>>RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes?? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
>>G: "English muffin!!? I've got it!? You were saying 'Toast.'? Fine.
>>Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
>>RS: "We bodder?"
>>G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
>>RS: "Wad?"
>>G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
>>RS: "Copy?"
>>G: "Excuse me?"
>>RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
>>G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
>>RS: "One Minnie.? Scramah egg, crease baykem,Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
>>G: "Whatever you say."
>>RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
>>G : "You're very welcome."
As I support Newcastle, I have to post this one:
A kid took his parents to court and begged the judge to remove him from the custody of his parents. The judge thought this was odd, but began to understand when the boy described in horrific detail how his parents beat him routinely.
The judge took pity on the child, and offered to put him in the custody of his grandparents. However, the boy looked even more afraid, and told the judge that his grandparents beat him even worse than his parents.
The judge then offered to place him in the care of his Aunt and Uncle, but the child protested even more fiercely still, claiming that it was his Aunt and Uncle who beat him the worst.
This greatly perplexed the judge, as his options were running out. He consulted with many advisers and fellow judges, and then returned to court with a solution he knew would be infallible. He announced that he was going to place the child in the care of Sunderland AFC.
The child looked horrified, but the judge smiled at him benignly and said "Don't worry, son, they're not capable of beating anybody."
A kid took his parents to court and begged the judge to remove him from the custody of his parents. The judge thought this was odd, but began to understand when the boy described in horrific detail how his parents beat him routinely.
The judge took pity on the child, and offered to put him in the custody of his grandparents. However, the boy looked even more afraid, and told the judge that his grandparents beat him even worse than his parents.
The judge then offered to place him in the care of his Aunt and Uncle, but the child protested even more fiercely still, claiming that it was his Aunt and Uncle who beat him the worst.
This greatly perplexed the judge, as his options were running out. He consulted with many advisers and fellow judges, and then returned to court with a solution he knew would be infallible. He announced that he was going to place the child in the care of Sunderland AFC.
The child looked horrified, but the judge smiled at him benignly and said "Don't worry, son, they're not capable of beating anybody."
I've heard the same joke, only with Everton instead of Sunderland.. :P
It's because Everton is capable of beating :)
-edit-
the child must be dead-horrified about Chelsea :)
(edited)
-edit-
the child must be dead-horrified about Chelsea :)
(edited)
A joke from the HT Everton fed:
Some years ago, a sultan who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him American Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday,the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like aboat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Liverpool F.C!
:))
Some years ago, a sultan who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him American Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday,the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like aboat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Liverpool F.C!
:))
here is a couple of Egyptian jokes...egyptian nt portugese :p
two guys wanna get a ride to some far place..so one of them tells the other "hay..y dont we run after a bus so we save 50p" the other replyed"y dont we run after a taxi..we save 5 pounds"
________________________________
a nervous guy married to a nervous girl...the doctor trying to pull the baby out suddenly the baby shoots "piss off iam getting out on my own"
____________________________
wife:congrats we gonna be 3
husband: u pregnant!!
wife:no mom is gonna live with us
______________________________
three hawks on a hunting bid...first one came bk with few blood dripping from his peak-was that thw word-and told the others "do u see that tree far there..i hunted a rabbit there"
second one fly and come bk with more blood dripping and said"do u see that huge rock there..i hunted a deer there" third one came back all covered in blood "do u see that column out there" replyed the others "yup"
and he said "i didnt"
two guys wanna get a ride to some far place..so one of them tells the other "hay..y dont we run after a bus so we save 50p" the other replyed"y dont we run after a taxi..we save 5 pounds"
________________________________
a nervous guy married to a nervous girl...the doctor trying to pull the baby out suddenly the baby shoots "piss off iam getting out on my own"
____________________________
wife:congrats we gonna be 3
husband: u pregnant!!
wife:no mom is gonna live with us
______________________________
three hawks on a hunting bid...first one came bk with few blood dripping from his peak-was that thw word-and told the others "do u see that tree far there..i hunted a rabbit there"
second one fly and come bk with more blood dripping and said"do u see that huge rock there..i hunted a deer there" third one came back all covered in blood "do u see that column out there" replyed the others "yup"
and he said "i didnt"
we use upper Egyptians..in south as smarties...just like blondes so
upper Egyptian booking a ticket in air way
guy there asking him..."home and away"
he replied "no a knouckout game"
____________________________
a guy running after a geko...thinks its a pokemon
_______________________________
a guy went to the doctor
"doctor plz help me...i got bugs in my head"
doctor "ok open a fan and sit next to it and u gonna get rid of the bugs"
he did so..went to sleep and heard the bugs say.."yesterday we had a really strong storm..but no one died"
he went back to the doctor
"doctor help it didnt work i still got bugs in my head"
doctor "ok try to ride a very speedy car and but ur head out of the window"
he did so..went to bed and heard bugs say"yesterday we had a realy bad storm but no one is dead"
back to doctor
"its not working doctor help plz"
doctor said"there is only one way left...go sit next to someone and put ur head next to his"
guy did...went to bed and heard the bugs say"yesterday we had a realy tough war with another tripe..but no one dead and we captured 500!!"
______________________________
two americans in a museum watching a mummy with a sign written on it..1560 BC
first"did u see that!!"
second "hell ya!!"
first "and what is that?"
second "i guess its the car's plates-number"
upper Egyptian booking a ticket in air way
guy there asking him..."home and away"
he replied "no a knouckout game"
____________________________
a guy running after a geko...thinks its a pokemon
_______________________________
a guy went to the doctor
"doctor plz help me...i got bugs in my head"
doctor "ok open a fan and sit next to it and u gonna get rid of the bugs"
he did so..went to sleep and heard the bugs say.."yesterday we had a really strong storm..but no one died"
he went back to the doctor
"doctor help it didnt work i still got bugs in my head"
doctor "ok try to ride a very speedy car and but ur head out of the window"
he did so..went to bed and heard bugs say"yesterday we had a realy bad storm but no one is dead"
back to doctor
"its not working doctor help plz"
doctor said"there is only one way left...go sit next to someone and put ur head next to his"
guy did...went to bed and heard the bugs say"yesterday we had a realy tough war with another tripe..but no one dead and we captured 500!!"
______________________________
two americans in a museum watching a mummy with a sign written on it..1560 BC
first"did u see that!!"
second "hell ya!!"
first "and what is that?"
second "i guess its the car's plates-number"
upper Egyptian booking a ticket in air way
guy there asking him..."home and away"
he replied "no a knouckout game"
Great! :P
guy there asking him..."home and away"
he replied "no a knouckout game"
Great! :P