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Subject: Jokes
How Many Women
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
Jesus was more and more upset of the narcotics situation on Earth. He called
the apostols on a emergency meeting and after a few hours they agreed, that they
need more informations. The apostols decided to go on Earth and to collect sample
of all narcotics.
After a few days they were returning.
Who is there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Paul.
What have you brought, Paul? - Jesus opened the door.
Cannabis from Moroko.
Excellent, com'n in.
...
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Mark.
What have you brought Mark? - Jesus opened the door
Marihuana from Colombia.
Excellent, com'n in.
...
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Mathias.
What have you brought Mathias? - Jesus opened the door
Cocaine from Colombia.
...
Excellent, com'n in.
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is John.
What have you brought John? - Jesus opened the door
Extasy from Montreal.
Excellent, com'n in.
...
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Lucas.
What have you brought Lucas? - Jesus opened the door
Speed from Amsterdam.
Excellent, com'n in.
...
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Judas.
What have you brought Judas? - Jesus opened the door
FBI. Freeze!!
All against the wall.
the apostols on a emergency meeting and after a few hours they agreed, that they
need more informations. The apostols decided to go on Earth and to collect sample
of all narcotics.
After a few days they were returning.
Who is there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Paul.
What have you brought, Paul? - Jesus opened the door.
Cannabis from Moroko.
Excellent, com'n in.
...
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Mark.
What have you brought Mark? - Jesus opened the door
Marihuana from Colombia.
Excellent, com'n in.
...
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Mathias.
What have you brought Mathias? - Jesus opened the door
Cocaine from Colombia.
...
Excellent, com'n in.
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is John.
What have you brought John? - Jesus opened the door
Extasy from Montreal.
Excellent, com'n in.
...
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Lucas.
What have you brought Lucas? - Jesus opened the door
Speed from Amsterdam.
Excellent, com'n in.
...
Who's there? - asks Jesus the men knocking on the door
Here is Judas.
What have you brought Judas? - Jesus opened the door
FBI. Freeze!!
All against the wall.
A blonde girl fell from 9th floor...at the 7th floor a man catched her and said...if u want to save u ..got to have sex with me...the blonde said no and the man throw her again...5th floor again..a man catched her and asked her for a b*ow job...the blonde said no...3rd floor...again..a man catched her...and the blonde said...i'll have sex with u..b*ow job..anything u want..but save me!..then the man throw her ..and said...bitch:D
(edited)
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After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA, then Homeland Security and NASA with no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!!!!! !!!
good one....Hopefully any USA manager won`t take this as an insult.
Crowded Subway
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where here was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!".
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks." replied the cab driver. He then said, "And how much for you to suck my dick on the way?" "What?! Get the fuck out of my cab, you scum!" the cab driver said angrily. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!".
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks." replied the cab driver. He then said, "And how much for you to suck my dick on the way?" "What?! Get the fuck out of my cab, you scum!" the cab driver said angrily. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. then she saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. it was simply
addressed, 'mum'.... with the worst premonition, she opened the envelope
and read the letter with trembling hands;
dear mum, it is with great regret and sorrow that i'm writing to you. i
had to elope with my new boyfriend, john because i wanted to avoid a
scene with dad and you. i've been finding real passion with john and he
is so nice, even though he is 54, divorced [i think] and on parole, and
also with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. but
it's not only the passion mum, i'm pregnant and john said that he will
take care of me and we will be very happy. he already [nearly] owns a
caravan on the outskirts of wagga and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. he wants to have many more children with me and that's now
one of my dreams too. john taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and we'll be growing it for us and also for trading it with his
friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. in the meantime, i ask
that you pray that science will find a cure for aids so john can get
better; he sure deserves it.... don't worry mum, i'm nearly 15 years old
now and i know how to take care of myself. some day i'm sure we'll be
back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. your daughter,
nicky ........ ps; none of the above is true. i'm next door. i just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report
card which is in my desk drawer. i love you.... please call me when it
is safe for me to come home......n
was nicely made and everything was picked up. then she saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. it was simply
addressed, 'mum'.... with the worst premonition, she opened the envelope
and read the letter with trembling hands;
dear mum, it is with great regret and sorrow that i'm writing to you. i
had to elope with my new boyfriend, john because i wanted to avoid a
scene with dad and you. i've been finding real passion with john and he
is so nice, even though he is 54, divorced [i think] and on parole, and
also with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. but
it's not only the passion mum, i'm pregnant and john said that he will
take care of me and we will be very happy. he already [nearly] owns a
caravan on the outskirts of wagga and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. he wants to have many more children with me and that's now
one of my dreams too. john taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and we'll be growing it for us and also for trading it with his
friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. in the meantime, i ask
that you pray that science will find a cure for aids so john can get
better; he sure deserves it.... don't worry mum, i'm nearly 15 years old
now and i know how to take care of myself. some day i'm sure we'll be
back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. your daughter,
nicky ........ ps; none of the above is true. i'm next door. i just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report
card which is in my desk drawer. i love you.... please call me when it
is safe for me to come home......n