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Subject: Jokes
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
insulting to the indians I must say. Oh well :)******************************
Jack Bauer Is Da Man
Jack Bauer: Badass
For the "24" fans out there. This has been making the rounds on the Internet. Nobody messes with Jack Bauer!!
------
Basic Truths About Jack Bauer
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once
Jack Bauer Is Da Man
Jack Bauer: Badass
For the "24" fans out there. This has been making the rounds on the Internet. Nobody messes with Jack Bauer!!
------
Basic Truths About Jack Bauer
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once
It was all great!
Until.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Until.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
http://chucknorrisfacts.com I don't like copy/pasting.
alright now. three vampires wake up in their caskets, in a dark cave, and all three of them are really hungry. the first one gets out of his casket and flies out. he comes back with his mouth covered in blood.
- Where have you been? - asks one of the vampires.
- You see that house on the hill right there?
- Yeah.
- Well there ain't anybody living here. Not anymore....
Then the second vampire flies out. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood, and one of the vampires asks:
- Where have you been?
- You see that town around the hill?
- Yeah.
- Well there ain't nobody living there. Not anymore...
The third vampire flies out and comes back with his mouth covered in blood.
- Where have you been?
- Well you see that lamp post over there?
- Yeah.
- Well I didn't....
- Where have you been? - asks one of the vampires.
- You see that house on the hill right there?
- Yeah.
- Well there ain't anybody living here. Not anymore....
Then the second vampire flies out. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood, and one of the vampires asks:
- Where have you been?
- You see that town around the hill?
- Yeah.
- Well there ain't nobody living there. Not anymore...
The third vampire flies out and comes back with his mouth covered in blood.
- Where have you been?
- Well you see that lamp post over there?
- Yeah.
- Well I didn't....
Here's another one. A bus carrying nuns crashes in the highway and four nuns die. The four nuns have been spending their whole lives together and so now they're standing next to heaven's gate waiting for St. Peter.
St. Peter comes over with a bucket of water and says:
- Hello, sisters. We know that you've been extremely faithful and loved God for your whole life. But did you share your love with males on earth?
- Well I touched a penis once, - the first one says.
- It's ok, sister, jus twash those three fingers in this bucket of holy water and go to heaven.
She washes her fingers and stands on the other side of the gate waiting for her friends.
- Well what about you, sister?
- Well I jacked a penis of one guy once, - says the second one.
- It's ok, sister, just wash your fist and go to heaven.
The second nun goes to the other side of the gate and starts waiting for the other two, but the third one shouts:
- Hey! If she's gonna wash her vagina in that bucket, I ain't gonna drink out of it!...
St. Peter comes over with a bucket of water and says:
- Hello, sisters. We know that you've been extremely faithful and loved God for your whole life. But did you share your love with males on earth?
- Well I touched a penis once, - the first one says.
- It's ok, sister, jus twash those three fingers in this bucket of holy water and go to heaven.
She washes her fingers and stands on the other side of the gate waiting for her friends.
- Well what about you, sister?
- Well I jacked a penis of one guy once, - says the second one.
- It's ok, sister, just wash your fist and go to heaven.
The second nun goes to the other side of the gate and starts waiting for the other two, but the third one shouts:
- Hey! If she's gonna wash her vagina in that bucket, I ain't gonna drink out of it!...
http://www.chucknorris.com that one is even funnier, because it's made by himself:] turn the sound to maximum when you enter it;]
I spent several hours compiling the best of Chuck Norris :).
:] but that guy is funny himself. what a happy idiot.
