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Subject: Jokes
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aircraft aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane begins to move faster and faster and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're heading straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and we're all going to die."
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane begins to move faster and faster and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're heading straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and we're all going to die."
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese your all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY
********************
9:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Dad! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
8:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
********************
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY
********************
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt and torment me with bizarre little dangling
objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I, on the other hand, am forced to
consume dry cereal only.
The one thing that keeps me going is the blessed hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs next
time.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the body in an attempt to make them
aware of what I am truly capable of, and to instill dread and terror in
their hearts.
They only cooed and repeated "what a good little kitty" I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my
"ability to induce allergies." Must learn what this ability is and how to
turn it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and possibly snitches as
well.
The dog is routinely released outdoors and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a complete idiot.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, as he speaks with
them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the small metal room, his safety is assured.
For now.
But I can wait.
Oh, yes, I can wait .....
********************
9:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Dad! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
8:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
********************
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY
********************
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt and torment me with bizarre little dangling
objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I, on the other hand, am forced to
consume dry cereal only.
The one thing that keeps me going is the blessed hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs next
time.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the body in an attempt to make them
aware of what I am truly capable of, and to instill dread and terror in
their hearts.
They only cooed and repeated "what a good little kitty" I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my
"ability to induce allergies." Must learn what this ability is and how to
turn it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and possibly snitches as
well.
The dog is routinely released outdoors and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a complete idiot.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, as he speaks with
them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the small metal room, his safety is assured.
For now.
But I can wait.
Oh, yes, I can wait .....
Cats are used as soccer balls in my household.
Only kittens are okay, once they grow up kill them and eat them.
Only kittens are okay, once they grow up kill them and eat them.
I should probably kill you for that. But I won't... living the rest of my life miserably because of you, that just isn't worth it.
yeah... owning a cat for 7 years makes you love 'em, so no miracle in my reaction..
*kill tactics, kill tactics >:|*
*kill tactics, kill tactics >:|*
:) I hate the big ones. No more cuteness but just a nasty look on their faces that prompts you to smack them around. Dogs at least don't have that look.
Btw, really, how intelligent are cats in comparison to dogs?
Btw, really, how intelligent are cats in comparison to dogs?
Not going to debate... I just had this feeling of need to kill somebody. My face turned white and then red and I started shivering and my hands turned into fist >:|.... *kill, kill* keeps a voice telling in my head
-edit-
it would've done the trick by saying that you don't like them, but killing 'em ?... now we should discuss about how smart is people with killing everyone who they don't like ;)
(edited)
-edit-
it would've done the trick by saying that you don't like them, but killing 'em ?... now we should discuss about how smart is people with killing everyone who they don't like ;)
(edited)
It's more than just a dislike :). I hope you know the killing part was more of a joke...although...>:(.
all i know that saying "Cats are used as soccer balls in my household.
Only kittens are okay, once they grow up kill them and eat them." is totally far from a joke for lots of people who like cats
-EDIT-
you as a dog lover, what would you feel if I said "Dogs are used as football balls in my household.
Only puppies are okay, once they stretch their legs, hang 'em, lynch 'em and feed 'em to crocodiles to be the lowest part of the food chain" ?
(edited)
Only kittens are okay, once they grow up kill them and eat them." is totally far from a joke for lots of people who like cats
-EDIT-
you as a dog lover, what would you feel if I said "Dogs are used as football balls in my household.
Only puppies are okay, once they stretch their legs, hang 'em, lynch 'em and feed 'em to crocodiles to be the lowest part of the food chain" ?
(edited)
Actually I don't like dogs either. I'm just a hater :), and it just so happens I hate cats more...a lot more. Don't take too much offense, although I see it your way.