Subject: Jokes

cheer up and tell some jokes

50 things to do in the elevator.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
(edited)

You might be a redneck if your daddy walked you to school and you are both in the same grade.

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

Hahaha... great =D

Ok, there's two professional ones (about mobile telecomunication/content provider ads):

1. You don't want this ring-tone for your cell phone!? Then send 'Don't want' on 4242

2. Send 'Where are you?' on any number at 4 am and receive back funny rhymes for you mobile phone.

3 men are in a joyhouse (bordel).

First one goes in to the room. Terrible screaming is coming out of it, so when he is finished the other two ask: "What was that noise?" He answers: "Well you all know I´ve got a big penis, so I tore her pu*sy apart."

Then the second guy comes. Terrible screaming is coming out of the room again, so the other are curious and ask, what he was doing so he says: "Well you all know I have got a big penis too, so I tore her mouth apart when she blowjobbed me."

The third guy is coming, and there is great screaming coming out of the room too. So the other two ask after he comes back: "Why that screaming?", and he says: "You both know I have got a small penis, do you?". The two agree. He replies: "So I broke her arm"

sounds funnier in slovak but I hope you got the hang out of it :-)

Old woman enters a full bus and is looking around and says with a noble voice so that everybody hears: "any gentleman here?"
A few second silence, than one man replies: "Gentlemans enough, but no free place"

Two police cars stopped a car and the officers are saying to the driver: "Congratulations, you win 500€ for perfect driving!"
Driver says: "Finally, I can make my driving licence"
The man sitting next to him says: "Dont listen to him, he talks bullsh*it when he drinks too much"
Old lady sitting in the back of the vehicle says: "I told you, that stealing this car was not a good idea"
And a voice from the trunk says: "Have we passed the borders already?"

broke her arm:DD that's a great one.

---

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will!"

its not a joke but anyone who have ever played counterstrike will understand it ^^

this

lol

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Q: What`s the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.