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Subject: Jokes
I loved the last extract where it tells about what happened to the man :D:D
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
A man told his doctor that he and his ravishingly beautiful and sexy
redheaded wife had not had sex in six months. The doctor told him to
send his wife in to see him privately, and he would see what he could
do to make things better. When she kept her appointment, that doctor began the conversation by enquiring about her libido. "It's not that at all," she explained. "My problem is that I have to take a cab to get to work every morning. Every morning the cabbie asks me, 'are you going to pay today, or what?' We don't have much money, so I always give him the 'or what,' and that always makes me late for work. "Then my boss always says, 'So, are we going to dock your salary forbeing late, or what?' And I always give HIM the ' or what,' too. So, on top of a hard day's work, my body, which has a fine libido, thank you, has already been through the grinder twice. I just don't feel like having sex with my husband when I get home."
"So," said the doctor, "are we going to tell your husband about your
problem, or what?"
redheaded wife had not had sex in six months. The doctor told him to
send his wife in to see him privately, and he would see what he could
do to make things better. When she kept her appointment, that doctor began the conversation by enquiring about her libido. "It's not that at all," she explained. "My problem is that I have to take a cab to get to work every morning. Every morning the cabbie asks me, 'are you going to pay today, or what?' We don't have much money, so I always give him the 'or what,' and that always makes me late for work. "Then my boss always says, 'So, are we going to dock your salary forbeing late, or what?' And I always give HIM the ' or what,' too. So, on top of a hard day's work, my body, which has a fine libido, thank you, has already been through the grinder twice. I just don't feel like having sex with my husband when I get home."
"So," said the doctor, "are we going to tell your husband about your
problem, or what?"
There were 3 men, one English man one Scots man and one Irish man. They were all sentenced to death by shooting so the police man took them around the back of the court to be shot. The English man was first, so he went up and waited, and the policeman said ready, aim, then the English man shouted 'blizzard'. While every one was looking for the blizzard, the man got away.
So the Scots man did the same thing, except he yelled out 'duck' and he too got away.
The Irish man steps up and when the policeman said ready, aim, the Irish man yelled FIRE!!!!
So the Scots man did the same thing, except he yelled out 'duck' and he too got away.
The Irish man steps up and when the policeman said ready, aim, the Irish man yelled FIRE!!!!
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"
One day an Irishman came home from work to find his wife in bed with his best mate.
He was so distraught he fetched a pistol and pointed it at his own head as he stared at them.
His wife burst out laughing at this to which the Irishman said.
"Aye, laugh, go on wi ye' YOU'RE NEXT!"
He was so distraught he fetched a pistol and pointed it at his own head as he stared at them.
His wife burst out laughing at this to which the Irishman said.
"Aye, laugh, go on wi ye' YOU'RE NEXT!"
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a **************."
Priest: "Why did you call him a **************?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a **************."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a **************."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a **************."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a **************."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT **************!!!"
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a **************."
Priest: "Why did you call him a **************?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a **************."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a **************."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a **************."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a **************."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT **************!!!"
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".