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Subject: Jokes
If that abbott guy worked for me he'd get fired very quickly...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK…
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on
the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on
the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out , smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out , smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"
** T-Shirt Sayings **
Many with more than a grain of truth
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
(6) Don't take life too seriously . . . no one gets out alive.
(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
(10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
(11) I'm not a complete idiot--some parts are missing.
(12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
(14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
(16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
(17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
(18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
(19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
(20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
(21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
(23) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
(24) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
(25) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up
(26) Procrastinate Now
(27) Rehab Is for Quitters
(28) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
(29) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts--Do You Want Fries With That?
(30) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
(31) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've been doing since I was 15
(32) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING
(33) West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names
(34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
(35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
(36) A hangover is the wrath of grapes
(37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
(38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
(39) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING -- Ban Country Music
(40) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
(41) Time's fun when you're having flies . . . Kermit the Frog
(42) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
(43) FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
(44) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
(45) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
(46) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
(47) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
(48) HAM AND EGGS -A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
(49) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
(50) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
(51) IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
(52) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Many with more than a grain of truth
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
(6) Don't take life too seriously . . . no one gets out alive.
(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
(10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
(11) I'm not a complete idiot--some parts are missing.
(12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
(14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
(16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
(17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
(18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
(19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
(20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
(21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
(23) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
(24) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
(25) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up
(26) Procrastinate Now
(27) Rehab Is for Quitters
(28) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
(29) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts--Do You Want Fries With That?
(30) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
(31) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've been doing since I was 15
(32) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING
(33) West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names
(34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
(35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
(36) A hangover is the wrath of grapes
(37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
(38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
(39) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING -- Ban Country Music
(40) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
(41) Time's fun when you're having flies . . . Kermit the Frog
(42) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
(43) FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
(44) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
(45) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
(46) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
(47) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
(48) HAM AND EGGS -A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
(49) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
(50) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
(51) IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
(52) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A belgian, a dutch and a black man are waiting in the hospital for their child to be born. After waiting patiently for a couple of hours the dokter comes in the room, looking somewhat exhausted.
Then he announces: "congratulations men, you've all just become father of a beautifull son. However, we kind of switched the babies so we don't know witch one belongs to wich father."
After that he suggests that they should all 3 go to their baby to find out wich kid belongs to wich father. When going towards the room the dokter says: "you probably should look at the nose, mouth and eyes, then we'll probably know"
But once inside the room the Belgian guy runs immediately towards the black boy, takes him in his hands and he goes straight outside.
"Wait!", says the dokter, "what are you doing? That's not yours..."
The Belgian turns around: "hell, now i'm least 100% sure i don't have the dutch kid."
:d
Then he announces: "congratulations men, you've all just become father of a beautifull son. However, we kind of switched the babies so we don't know witch one belongs to wich father."
After that he suggests that they should all 3 go to their baby to find out wich kid belongs to wich father. When going towards the room the dokter says: "you probably should look at the nose, mouth and eyes, then we'll probably know"
But once inside the room the Belgian guy runs immediately towards the black boy, takes him in his hands and he goes straight outside.
"Wait!", says the dokter, "what are you doing? That's not yours..."
The Belgian turns around: "hell, now i'm least 100% sure i don't have the dutch kid."
:d
allready knew the joke, i just needed to be reminded ;)
by the way, i don't think you would have translated it all the way into english, would you? :)
by the way, i don't think you would have translated it all the way into english, would you? :)
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
