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Subject: Jokes
Still one of my favourite Homer Simpson quotes..
--How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
--How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
This ones very rude, so I hope it gets allowed to stay in, as without the expletives it doesn't work:
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the
bar. 'Get the f*cking manager of this pigshit middle classw*nkhole
please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help
you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the
c*ntting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just f***ed your
daughter, and now the @#$%& is blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the
a*** you get sh*t on your bell-end.'
I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringhole",
or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still
got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist
but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the
audience.'
'F*ck it'says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is
goingsuperbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there
is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts
a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches
him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the
expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
penis is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your
shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
I f*cking wrote it!!!'
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the
bar. 'Get the f*cking manager of this pigshit middle classw*nkhole
please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help
you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the
c*ntting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just f***ed your
daughter, and now the @#$%& is blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the
a*** you get sh*t on your bell-end.'
I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringhole",
or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still
got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist
but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the
audience.'
'F*ck it'says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is
goingsuperbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there
is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts
a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches
him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the
expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
penis is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your
shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
I f*cking wrote it!!!'
what's not to get, the guys got torretes(swears inexplicitly), and writes songs, due to his torrettes, he puts swear words in the title, so when the blonde tells his something has gone wrong, he doesn't realise, because he happened to name a song exactly te same.
Oh well made me laugh quite a bit.
Oh well made me laugh quite a bit.
well, i understand the literal meaning of it... but I dont get it... thats not funny at all.. [=