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Subject: Jokes
> A girl walks into a supermarket and buys
>
> 1 bar of soap
> 1 toothbrush
> 1 tube of toothpaste
> 1 loaf of bread
> 1 gallon of milk
> 1 single serving of cereal
> 1 single frozen dinner
>
> The checkout guy looks at her and says, "Single, huh?"
>
> The girl sarcastically replies, "How'd you guess?"
>
> He says, "Because you are fncking ugly."
>
:D
(edited)
>
> 1 bar of soap
> 1 toothbrush
> 1 tube of toothpaste
> 1 loaf of bread
> 1 gallon of milk
> 1 single serving of cereal
> 1 single frozen dinner
>
> The checkout guy looks at her and says, "Single, huh?"
>
> The girl sarcastically replies, "How'd you guess?"
>
> He says, "Because you are fncking ugly."
>
:D
(edited)
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that
experience she sees God and ask if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her
recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since
she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks
out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance
speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had
another 30 years.
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
:)
on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that
experience she sees God and ask if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her
recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since
she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks
out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance
speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had
another 30 years.
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
:)
Lol, nice:)))))) Women should draw conclusions out of this susceptible joke...:)))
ahahahahahahahaaha i cant stop ...hahaha...lol,lol,lol,lol,lol
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'
:)
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'
:)
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
This is an old joke but funny nevertheless...
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Scottish men and 1 Scottish Woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....
The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.....
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The 2 Scottish men have moved in with the Scottish woman. The men hate each other, but have chosen this arrangement partly because no one else understands their thick brogue, but mainly because its cheaper.
The 2 Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
The first Russian man married the Russian woman and divorced her. He is the best customer of the Irish distillery.
The other Russian man made money by killing the Italian and by arranging exit visas for the Bulgarians. He regularly sees the Swedish woman to learn English.
In the meantime, the French still think they are alone on the island.
:)
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Scottish men and 1 Scottish Woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....
The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.....
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The 2 Scottish men have moved in with the Scottish woman. The men hate each other, but have chosen this arrangement partly because no one else understands their thick brogue, but mainly because its cheaper.
The 2 Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
The first Russian man married the Russian woman and divorced her. He is the best customer of the Irish distillery.
The other Russian man made money by killing the Italian and by arranging exit visas for the Bulgarians. He regularly sees the Swedish woman to learn English.
In the meantime, the French still think they are alone on the island.
:)
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
:)
This one hurts!
====================
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do - drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?!?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No...
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays.
This one hurts!
====================
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do - drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?!?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No...
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays.