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Subject: Jokes
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
TWO NUNS
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL It’s logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM It is not working.
SL Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM So what happened?
SL The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM And what else?
SL The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM Oh, no! What happened then?
SL Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
:)
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL It’s logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM It is not working.
SL Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM So what happened?
SL The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM And what else?
SL The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM Oh, no! What happened then?
SL Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
:)
:))))) nice!!! Logically... :))
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
:)))
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
:)))
This is an old joke and you probably saw it in different versions but it's nice anyway... :)
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I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatown and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and distribution of cocaine and heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in ChristChurch and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel -- however, her time there is limited as she has recently become infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry by working as the Madam. I am hoping my two sisters will be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and (hopefully) the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?
----------------------------
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatown and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and distribution of cocaine and heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in ChristChurch and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel -- however, her time there is limited as she has recently become infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry by working as the Madam. I am hoping my two sisters will be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and (hopefully) the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?
Never heard of Seatown but you should generalise your districts better =p
also, Christchurch is just one word, no capital in the middle. Heard a similar joke about microsoft too, never the kiwi one!
also, Christchurch is just one word, no capital in the middle. Heard a similar joke about microsoft too, never the kiwi one!
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope," replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says, "Nope." "'You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Fine," his father said. "Stand in the corner, but keep quiet."
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope," replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says, "Nope." "'You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Fine," his father said. "Stand in the corner, but keep quiet."
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of it.
This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.
A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.
A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
An 80 year old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence for 40 minutes they shagged like teenagers arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor, Christ she said u did'nt fcuk me like that 50 years ago! to which the old man repiled" 50 years ago that fence wasnt fcuking electric"
A jelly baby went to the doctors with his willy covered in coconut and liquorice. the doctor said " what have u been up2? the jelly baby replied "Fcuking allsorts"!!
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you
can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round
the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where 's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block,so another dog is pushing her home."
walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you
can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round
the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where 's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block,so another dog is pushing her home."