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Subject: Jokes
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential.'
Spending your life waiting for the Messiah to come save the world is like waiting around for the straight piece to come in Tetris. Even if it comes, by that time you've accumulated a mountain of shit so high that you're fu#@ed no matter what you do.
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No you twat," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential.'
Spending your life waiting for the Messiah to come save the world is like waiting around for the straight piece to come in Tetris. Even if it comes, by that time you've accumulated a mountain of shit so high that you're fu#@ed no matter what you do.
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No you twat," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."
Sometimes this becomes a bit xenophobic... but who cares!!!???
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How much does a nicaraguan stay at school???
As long as it takes for building it :D
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C = Costarican N= Nicaraguan
C: U nicaraguans are kind of fools!
N: No, we're not!
C: Yes, you are! If u guess this I'll believe you: It's a black gentelman standing in a tree...
N: I dunno!
C: a buzzard, you fool!
N: let me try it again!
C: OK; they're 2 black gentleman standing in a tree...
N: I dunno!
C: 2 buzzards, you're freakin' fool!!!
N: Once again!
C: there it goes: they're 3 black gentleman standing in a tree...
N: No idea!!!
C: SO u r not a fool!?
N: gimme a last chance!
C: OK, it is green inside, green in the outside and it has an AVOCADO seed in itself, what is it???
N: I know that one!
C: (finally got one)
N: they're 4 buzzards!!!
HILARIOUS!!! :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How much does a nicaraguan stay at school???
As long as it takes for building it :D
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
C = Costarican N= Nicaraguan
C: U nicaraguans are kind of fools!
N: No, we're not!
C: Yes, you are! If u guess this I'll believe you: It's a black gentelman standing in a tree...
N: I dunno!
C: a buzzard, you fool!
N: let me try it again!
C: OK; they're 2 black gentleman standing in a tree...
N: I dunno!
C: 2 buzzards, you're freakin' fool!!!
N: Once again!
C: there it goes: they're 3 black gentleman standing in a tree...
N: No idea!!!
C: SO u r not a fool!?
N: gimme a last chance!
C: OK, it is green inside, green in the outside and it has an AVOCADO seed in itself, what is it???
N: I know that one!
C: (finally got one)
N: they're 4 buzzards!!!
HILARIOUS!!! :D
What do you do when your mother in law stumbles across your backyard
Shoot once more
Shoot once more
73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.
I'd like to meet those women.
My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, "that's amazing how the hell did he know all that?" My dad replied, "the judge told him."
Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me, "what's on the TV?"
I said, "dust!"
My wife suggested a while back that we should keep a diary with a record of every time we have sex. So far I'm winning 6 - 4.
When people see me and my wife, they always think we're so in love.
I think it's because we're always holding hands. The thing is, if I let go, she shops.
I'd like to meet those women.
My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, "that's amazing how the hell did he know all that?" My dad replied, "the judge told him."
Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me, "what's on the TV?"
I said, "dust!"
My wife suggested a while back that we should keep a diary with a record of every time we have sex. So far I'm winning 6 - 4.
When people see me and my wife, they always think we're so in love.
I think it's because we're always holding hands. The thing is, if I let go, she shops.
I will try to translate one from Romanian:
Some Americans built a 5 store market specially for women, where they could "buy" men to live with. A woman steps onto the 1st floor and sees the inscription:
'Here you can find men you can spend an unforgettable night with'. The lady thinks: 'Interesting, but what is on the 2nd floor?' She goes up and reads:
'Here are men that are incredible at sex and can also cook very well' The woman is amazed, though she goes up to the 3rd floor. There she finds the advertizing:
'This floor is exclusively with men that are good at sex, can cook excellent and clean the house every Saturday' Our lady is very pleased, nonetheless she goes up pushed by female curiosity. The 4th floor she finds men who did everything mentioned above + are godly handsome.
Well, that wasn't enough and she stepped onto the last floor, where she read: 'We are very sorry that none of our men is suitable for you. This floor is only for women and you cannot go back to chose a man anymore. Please follow the arrows to exit. This market is allowed to be visited only once'.
The woman, deeply regretting, leaves the store.
The same company built soon a similar market for men.
The first floor: 'Very beautiful women'
Second floor: 'Women that are incredibly beautiful and behave like goddess in bed'
The third floor was never visited
Some Americans built a 5 store market specially for women, where they could "buy" men to live with. A woman steps onto the 1st floor and sees the inscription:
'Here you can find men you can spend an unforgettable night with'. The lady thinks: 'Interesting, but what is on the 2nd floor?' She goes up and reads:
'Here are men that are incredible at sex and can also cook very well' The woman is amazed, though she goes up to the 3rd floor. There she finds the advertizing:
'This floor is exclusively with men that are good at sex, can cook excellent and clean the house every Saturday' Our lady is very pleased, nonetheless she goes up pushed by female curiosity. The 4th floor she finds men who did everything mentioned above + are godly handsome.
Well, that wasn't enough and she stepped onto the last floor, where she read: 'We are very sorry that none of our men is suitable for you. This floor is only for women and you cannot go back to chose a man anymore. Please follow the arrows to exit. This market is allowed to be visited only once'.
The woman, deeply regretting, leaves the store.
The same company built soon a similar market for men.
The first floor: 'Very beautiful women'
Second floor: 'Women that are incredibly beautiful and behave like goddess in bed'
The third floor was never visited
that is an actual english joke caus i heard it a good while back :)
tis funny though XD caus its true
tis funny though XD caus its true
translated it from romanian:
One business-man, Nick, is about to make a good deal. While waiting at a restaurant for his man, he saw Bill Gates sitting at a table. He goes at him and says: "Hello, Mr. gates. I'm a big fan of yours. Can i ask you something? I'm about to make the deal of my life, can you come by my table while I'm with my man and say hello to me? It will be a big plus for me in this deal :)" Bill: "Ok, no problem'.
The man sits on a table and starts talking with his othe rman about their business. And there it comes Bill Gates: "Hello, Nick? How are you?" Nick:" F*** you, Gates, don't you see I'm busy???"
:))
(edited)
One business-man, Nick, is about to make a good deal. While waiting at a restaurant for his man, he saw Bill Gates sitting at a table. He goes at him and says: "Hello, Mr. gates. I'm a big fan of yours. Can i ask you something? I'm about to make the deal of my life, can you come by my table while I'm with my man and say hello to me? It will be a big plus for me in this deal :)" Bill: "Ok, no problem'.
The man sits on a table and starts talking with his othe rman about their business. And there it comes Bill Gates: "Hello, Nick? How are you?" Nick:" F*** you, Gates, don't you see I'm busy???"
:))
(edited)
One night I managed to make love for an hour and five minutes.
It was when they put the clocks forward.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them," was the reply.
The depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I was so unpopular as a child even my imaginary friend played with all the other kids.
Why is sex like the army? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
I saw the results of a phone-in poll this morning:
Do you think computer games make children more violent?
62% of people said no, 23% said yes, and 15% said don't know.
It's not the poll that alarms me, it's the fact that 15% of people rang up to say that they didn't know!
Why is it that when you talk to God, it's called praying, but when God talks to you, it's called schizophrenia?
I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynaecologist, as he likes to be called.
I bought some new binoculars last week and I recommend them highly. They're powerful enough to look into the bedroom of the girl opposite, and they're light enough to keep them steady with one hand.
Saw an article in a woman's magazine titled "All Men Are Liars". Which was strange because it was right next to an advert for Wonderbra.
People are now suing companies like Benson and Hedges because smoking has caused them cancer, Nestle for chocolate that's made them fat, and more recently McDonald's because a coffee was served up too hot!
So now I'm thinking... I wonder if I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly chicks I've slept with?
I said to my wife, 'when I die, I'd like to die having sex.' She said, 'at least we know it'll be quick.'
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre
- and went to the jewellers!
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, crying. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
The boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday."
"That's awful," the lady replied angrily. "Your father is a real bastard!"
"I know," said the little boy. "He promised I could do it."
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mister, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs," the doctor said.
"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health, Mister," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
If you find you can keep your head whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else.
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Ever had one of those e-mails about cock-extensions? It's funny how they always know who to send it to.
Did you know that the mobile phone is the only thing in the world which men argue over who's got the smallest?
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
Did you hear about the woman run over by a motorcycle? Police are still trying to work out why a motorcycle ran through a kitchen.
It was when they put the clocks forward.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them," was the reply.
The depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I was so unpopular as a child even my imaginary friend played with all the other kids.
Why is sex like the army? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
I saw the results of a phone-in poll this morning:
Do you think computer games make children more violent?
62% of people said no, 23% said yes, and 15% said don't know.
It's not the poll that alarms me, it's the fact that 15% of people rang up to say that they didn't know!
Why is it that when you talk to God, it's called praying, but when God talks to you, it's called schizophrenia?
I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynaecologist, as he likes to be called.
I bought some new binoculars last week and I recommend them highly. They're powerful enough to look into the bedroom of the girl opposite, and they're light enough to keep them steady with one hand.
Saw an article in a woman's magazine titled "All Men Are Liars". Which was strange because it was right next to an advert for Wonderbra.
People are now suing companies like Benson and Hedges because smoking has caused them cancer, Nestle for chocolate that's made them fat, and more recently McDonald's because a coffee was served up too hot!
So now I'm thinking... I wonder if I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly chicks I've slept with?
I said to my wife, 'when I die, I'd like to die having sex.' She said, 'at least we know it'll be quick.'
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre
- and went to the jewellers!
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, crying. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
The boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday."
"That's awful," the lady replied angrily. "Your father is a real bastard!"
"I know," said the little boy. "He promised I could do it."
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mister, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs," the doctor said.
"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health, Mister," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
If you find you can keep your head whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else.
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Ever had one of those e-mails about cock-extensions? It's funny how they always know who to send it to.
Did you know that the mobile phone is the only thing in the world which men argue over who's got the smallest?
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
Did you hear about the woman run over by a motorcycle? Police are still trying to work out why a motorcycle ran through a kitchen.