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Subject: Jokes
One night I managed to make love for an hour and five minutes.
It was when they put the clocks forward.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them," was the reply.
The depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I was so unpopular as a child even my imaginary friend played with all the other kids.
Why is sex like the army? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
I saw the results of a phone-in poll this morning:
Do you think computer games make children more violent?
62% of people said no, 23% said yes, and 15% said don't know.
It's not the poll that alarms me, it's the fact that 15% of people rang up to say that they didn't know!
Why is it that when you talk to God, it's called praying, but when God talks to you, it's called schizophrenia?
I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynaecologist, as he likes to be called.
I bought some new binoculars last week and I recommend them highly. They're powerful enough to look into the bedroom of the girl opposite, and they're light enough to keep them steady with one hand.
Saw an article in a woman's magazine titled "All Men Are Liars". Which was strange because it was right next to an advert for Wonderbra.
People are now suing companies like Benson and Hedges because smoking has caused them cancer, Nestle for chocolate that's made them fat, and more recently McDonald's because a coffee was served up too hot!
So now I'm thinking... I wonder if I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly chicks I've slept with?
I said to my wife, 'when I die, I'd like to die having sex.' She said, 'at least we know it'll be quick.'
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre
- and went to the jewellers!
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, crying. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
The boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday."
"That's awful," the lady replied angrily. "Your father is a real bastard!"
"I know," said the little boy. "He promised I could do it."
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mister, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs," the doctor said.
"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health, Mister," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
If you find you can keep your head whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else.
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Ever had one of those e-mails about cock-extensions? It's funny how they always know who to send it to.
Did you know that the mobile phone is the only thing in the world which men argue over who's got the smallest?
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
Did you hear about the woman run over by a motorcycle? Police are still trying to work out why a motorcycle ran through a kitchen.
It was when they put the clocks forward.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them," was the reply.
The depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I was so unpopular as a child even my imaginary friend played with all the other kids.
Why is sex like the army? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
I saw the results of a phone-in poll this morning:
Do you think computer games make children more violent?
62% of people said no, 23% said yes, and 15% said don't know.
It's not the poll that alarms me, it's the fact that 15% of people rang up to say that they didn't know!
Why is it that when you talk to God, it's called praying, but when God talks to you, it's called schizophrenia?
I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynaecologist, as he likes to be called.
I bought some new binoculars last week and I recommend them highly. They're powerful enough to look into the bedroom of the girl opposite, and they're light enough to keep them steady with one hand.
Saw an article in a woman's magazine titled "All Men Are Liars". Which was strange because it was right next to an advert for Wonderbra.
People are now suing companies like Benson and Hedges because smoking has caused them cancer, Nestle for chocolate that's made them fat, and more recently McDonald's because a coffee was served up too hot!
So now I'm thinking... I wonder if I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly chicks I've slept with?
I said to my wife, 'when I die, I'd like to die having sex.' She said, 'at least we know it'll be quick.'
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre
- and went to the jewellers!
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, crying. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
The boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday."
"That's awful," the lady replied angrily. "Your father is a real bastard!"
"I know," said the little boy. "He promised I could do it."
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mister, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs," the doctor said.
"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health, Mister," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
If you find you can keep your head whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else.
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Ever had one of those e-mails about cock-extensions? It's funny how they always know who to send it to.
Did you know that the mobile phone is the only thing in the world which men argue over who's got the smallest?
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
Did you hear about the woman run over by a motorcycle? Police are still trying to work out why a motorcycle ran through a kitchen.
Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards...
I heard that you can tell how old a tree is by counting the rings in the trunk, so I thought I'd saw down my neighbour's tree and have a look.
He saved me a job - he came out and shouted, "you bastard! That tree's been there 75 years!"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
Slow
Two blondes are walking down the road as a funeral goes by.
"Who do you think has died?" says one.
"Don't know," says the other, "but it's my guess it's the one in the coffin".
Thumbs up for leprosy!
Oh, wait a sec...
Try spelling Evian backwards...
I heard that you can tell how old a tree is by counting the rings in the trunk, so I thought I'd saw down my neighbour's tree and have a look.
He saved me a job - he came out and shouted, "you bastard! That tree's been there 75 years!"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
Slow
Two blondes are walking down the road as a funeral goes by.
"Who do you think has died?" says one.
"Don't know," says the other, "but it's my guess it's the one in the coffin".
Thumbs up for leprosy!
Oh, wait a sec...
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!
The three stages of married sex:
1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.
1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.
I have just read smth on our forum... try to translate some of them.
1. Why should we drink while driving if we can simply fly while smoking?
2. A balanced diet means to hold a cookie in each hand
3. If temptations are chasing you, don't walk too fast, so that they could catch up with you.
4. The intelligence is running after me, but I am faster
1. Why should we drink while driving if we can simply fly while smoking?
2. A balanced diet means to hold a cookie in each hand
3. If temptations are chasing you, don't walk too fast, so that they could catch up with you.
4. The intelligence is running after me, but I am faster
1. Dont Drink and Drive, Smoke and Fly
thats what it actually is...
im guessing they all rhyme such as that in the english versions ;)
thats what it actually is...
im guessing they all rhyme such as that in the english versions ;)
There's this little white man on a little white horse, and he wants to marry a princess, so he goes to the castle, bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG.
"Who's there?" Says the guard
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the guard
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" asks the guard.
"I wanna marry the princess." Says the man.
"Well, you best ask the King then."
So down comes the drawbridge and up the man goes to the king's room, up, up, up, and e bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the King
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the King
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" askd the king
"I wanna marry your daughter."
"OK," says the king, "But first you have to get me a cup of coffee."
So the man goes down to the kitchen, down, down, down and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the cook.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the cook
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the cook
"King wants a cup of coffee." Says the man.
"Does he want milk?" Asks the cook.
"Hold on," says the man So he goes back to the king's room, up up up and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the King.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the King
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the cook
"Do you want milk?" Says the man.
"yes." Replies the king.
"Hold on," says the man, and he goes back down to the kitchen, down down down down, and knocks on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG! "Who's there?" Says the cook.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the cook
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the cook
"King wants milk." Says the man.
"Does he want sugar?" Asks the cook.
"Hold on," says the man, and he goes all the way up to the kings room up, up, up, up and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the King.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the King
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the King
"Do you want sugar?" asks the man.
"yes please." says the king.
"Hold on," says the man, and goes all the way down to the kitchen, down, down, down, down and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the cook.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the cook
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the cook
"King wants two sugars." Says the man.
"OK, here you go." Says the cook, and gives him a cup of coffee
"Thanks," says the man, and goes all the way up to the king's room up, up, up, up and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the King.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the King
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the King
"I've got you a cup of coffee." Says the man.
"Great, ta mate." Says the king.
"So, can I marry your daughter now?," asks the man.
"Go up stairs and ask her" Says the king.
So the man goes up to the Princess' tower up, up, up, up and knocks on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the princess.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the princess
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the princess
"Will you marry me?" Asks the man.
She says "No."
"Who's there?" Says the guard
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the guard
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" asks the guard.
"I wanna marry the princess." Says the man.
"Well, you best ask the King then."
So down comes the drawbridge and up the man goes to the king's room, up, up, up, and e bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the King
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the King
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" askd the king
"I wanna marry your daughter."
"OK," says the king, "But first you have to get me a cup of coffee."
So the man goes down to the kitchen, down, down, down and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the cook.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the cook
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the cook
"King wants a cup of coffee." Says the man.
"Does he want milk?" Asks the cook.
"Hold on," says the man So he goes back to the king's room, up up up and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the King.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the King
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the cook
"Do you want milk?" Says the man.
"yes." Replies the king.
"Hold on," says the man, and he goes back down to the kitchen, down down down down, and knocks on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG! "Who's there?" Says the cook.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the cook
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the cook
"King wants milk." Says the man.
"Does he want sugar?" Asks the cook.
"Hold on," says the man, and he goes all the way up to the kings room up, up, up, up and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the King.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the King
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the King
"Do you want sugar?" asks the man.
"yes please." says the king.
"Hold on," says the man, and goes all the way down to the kitchen, down, down, down, down and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the cook.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the cook
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the cook
"King wants two sugars." Says the man.
"OK, here you go." Says the cook, and gives him a cup of coffee
"Thanks," says the man, and goes all the way up to the king's room up, up, up, up and bangs on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the King.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the King
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the King
"I've got you a cup of coffee." Says the man.
"Great, ta mate." Says the king.
"So, can I marry your daughter now?," asks the man.
"Go up stairs and ask her" Says the king.
So the man goes up to the Princess' tower up, up, up, up and knocks on the door BANG BANG BANG BANG!
"Who's there?" Says the princess.
"Little White man on a little white horse." Says the man
"Little White man on a little white horse?" Asks the princess
"Yeah, little white man on a little white horse." Replies the man.
"What do you want?" Asks the princess
"Will you marry me?" Asks the man.
She says "No."
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"