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Subject: Jokes
why did the shrimp leave the party?
he pulled a muscle :)))
he pulled a muscle :)))
2 Mexicans lost in the desert.In front of them they see a tree draped in rashers of bacon. One says "Look Pepe, it's a bacon tree. We are saved!" He runs forward and the tree strikes him to the ground. The other Mexican says "Jose, what happened?" And with his dying words, he says "Pepe, run. It's not a bacon tree, it's a hambush"!
A 10 years old child wakes up at night because he heard some strange noises coming from his parents room, then he get out of bed and go check what's happening.. he open little the door and see his parents having wild sex on the bed, like his dad dominating hard his mom. He shouts "Dad! what are you doing!?!?" and runs away. The dad is so embarassed and try to run over him trying to explain the little boy the situation.. He looks the boy all the house but can't find him.. last room to check is grandma's room, he opens it and find his boy f**king hard on the grandma: "Oh boy what are you doing?!?!". The boy replyes: "So now you know what it looks like, dont you?"
yeah i know it's crap :P
(edited)
yeah i know it's crap :P
(edited)
I've heard a different ending :P
Son, what are you doing?!
You f*** my mother, I f*** yours!!
Son, what are you doing?!
You f*** my mother, I f*** yours!!
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!
An English lawyer went duck hunting in the borders. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of Hadrians wall. As the lawyer climbed over the wall, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best lawyers in Europe and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The English lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old Scottish farmer. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer and said I go first.
He then booted him in the balls and the lawyer doubled over in excruciating pain. The second kick was straight to the face and bust his nose wide open. The lawyer was in major pain but was prepared to carry on, looking forward to his upcoming 3 kicks. The third kick by the farmer knocked the lawyers teeth out of his mouth.
After 20 minutes recovering time the lawyer stood up and said "Now it's my turn" to which the old farmer replied, "No it's not, I give up, here's your duck"
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best lawyers in Europe and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The English lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old Scottish farmer. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer and said I go first.
He then booted him in the balls and the lawyer doubled over in excruciating pain. The second kick was straight to the face and bust his nose wide open. The lawyer was in major pain but was prepared to carry on, looking forward to his upcoming 3 kicks. The third kick by the farmer knocked the lawyers teeth out of his mouth.
After 20 minutes recovering time the lawyer stood up and said "Now it's my turn" to which the old farmer replied, "No it's not, I give up, here's your duck"
